


Fear

by postersonthewall



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:27:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28657950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postersonthewall/pseuds/postersonthewall
Summary: What I imagined would've happened if Toni had interfered with Shelby cutting her hair instead of Fatin + some extra fluff.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 21
Kudos: 282





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> feedback always welcome :)

It all happened so quickly that the girls were too shocked to do or say anything. Most of them had sensed that Shelby was off; since the plane had flown over she’d been more quiet but none of them imagined that it would reach this level of severity. Fatin nearly stumbled back from Shelby’s touch watching the girl mutter to herself in tears and chop off large sections of her hair seemingly randomly. The blond strands of hair; hair that was once so beautiful it had helped her win many pageants; fell to the floor and littered the sand by Shelby’s feet. 

There was a ringing in Shelby’s ears and her vision blurred - even though she felt as if she were floating over her body, watching herself undergo these actions, she knew they were something she felt like she had to do. She felt so trapped behind that hair, behind her smile, behind everything that she’d thrown up to protect herself against the cruel world she faced each day. Cutting her hair brought flashes of images of her father, Dave Goodkind, and brought what felt like an acid touch to the back of her throat. By the time she started thinking of her father, the only thoughts that littered her brain was that she was destined to be alone forever. There felt like there was no relief. 

Toni was scared. Unfortunately, she grew up as a very scared person. She never found solace in anyone but Martha and Reagan and all the happiness that they brought her was stained by the sour fear that they would leave her. If there was anyone else on the island that was more afraid of being alone than Shelby, it was Toni. She was very familiar with loneliness. 

So when she noticed Shelby start to pull away, she saw the same fear that lived in her heart in the girl that she had kissed just a couple of hours ago. In truth, Toni shouldn't have given Shelby space. She should’ve fought to make sure that Shelby was kept safe and protected, and even though she quietly whispered her fears to the other girls, she felt like she hadn’t done enough. 

Toni was afraid of breaking people. It seemed like everyone in her life that she had managed to love had ended up broken at her expense, and she hated herself deeply for it. When Shelby kissed her, Toni was afraid. Many of the girls would’ve been surprised that behind all of this anger was just a sensitive and scared girl, but that was the truth. When Shelby grabbed Toni, Toni made sure that her touch was gentle, soft, almost non-existent. With Shelby, she felt like she was holding glass and she promised herself she wouldn’t break her even if deep down she knew she was bound to eventually; it was her nature. Toni always thought that if she was going to lose everyone anyways, she might as well be as rough as she pleased.

This mentality was why Shelby was surprised to feel a gentle and small warm hand envelope the hand she held the scissors in. The touch was nothing like what someone would expect from Toni but it was undeniably her. Shelby froze at this touch. Shelby, as well as all of the other girls, held their breaths as they watched Toni slowly pry the scissors from Shelby’s hand and gently drop them on the sand. 

When Toni had freed Shelby of the scissors, she slowly started wrapping her other arm around Shelby’s waist. Shelby could feel the shorter girl’s deep and purposeful breath against the back of her neck and found that this grounded her in a way she had never known. It scared her as well.

Toni slowly continued to hold the other girl and soon would bring her down to sit on the sand between her legs.Toni then pressed her chapped lips to Shelby’s right ear, and under the moonlight in the silence, whispered,

“It’s okay. I-I’ve got you.”

Toni’s voice was so delicate and gentle it made Shelby’s breath catch in her throat. She couldn’t believe that this was coming from the same girl who had hit her with a branch the first day, the girl that had destroyed the shelter in a fit of rage and hurled insults at anyone that stood in her way. Shelby could feel Toni shake slightly behind her and knew that the other girl was scared too. They stayed like this, embraced for a while, until Fatin and Dot slowly pried Shelby from Toni’s arms and walked her slowly to the water to wash off her face. 

Martha, who was left behind to speak to Toni, gave her a questioning look but remained silent. Toni looked tense and her eyebrows were furrowed, she was visibly upset.

“Marty?” Martha perked up at Toni’s voice, happy to hear her dearest friend break away from what seemed like a paralysis.

“Yea?” Martha saw Toni take in a deep breath,

“Do you like, do you think I hurt her? I think that when I was calming her down I might’ve grabbed her too tight and I’m just worried that I was maybe a bit rough.” Toni gave Martha a concerned look as she finished saying this.  
Martha was simultaneously surprised and surprised at this question. Of course Toni would be the last person to see just how kind she could be. In truth, Toni was almost not rough enough to Shelby; her touch had been so delicate that Martha was worried that she wouldn't be able to support Shelby’s weight and they would both fall. Martha yeared to hold Toni and tell her how wrong she was; how the last thing that she did was hurt the other girl. In fear of adding any more confusion to whatever Toni was feeling, Martha opted to reassure her normally.

“No Toni, I don’t think you hurt her.”

Over the next couple of days the girls ensured they kept an extra eye on Shelby, but no one was more devoted to this cause than Toni Shalifoe, who would soon volunteer to do everything with Shelby. It was such a stark difference to the original dynamic between the two girls that the rest of the unsinkable 8 was left shocked but too weary to question it.

One hot day, on a trip to gather water, Shelby had missed a step and nearly tumbled down the side of the hill. Before she could even register the fall however, Toni had grabbed her hand and pulled her up steadily back to the trail. With a slanted smile and a shy voice, Toni said,

“Watch where you’re going bee.”

The ridiculous but endearing nickname that so casually slipped from Toni’s lips was enough to set Shelby’s heart on fire. In truth, she was still scared about what her feelings for Toni meant, but not scared enough to refuse to show the other girl how deeply she cared for her. So just as Toni was slipping away her hand, Shelby gently grabbed it and intertwined their fingers and smiled. They very soon made a habit of hand holding.

This difference in demeanor from Toni was noticed by all of the girls, but never as deeply as Shelby noticed it. When they were alone in the woods together, Toni would become lighthearted and hyper in a way she never had before. Her usual chilled out mood was replaced by a bright smile and an eagerness to spread it to Shelby (which she never failed to do). Toni’s broody moods still stayed around everyone else, but Shelby noticed a sort of calm that Toni would adopt whenever they were alone together. 

In the rare moments that the two girls were apart, Shelby would have her mind filled with thoughts of the sweet and fiery Toni who she was learning to love more each day. Shelby would find herself able to prevent slipping into her spaced out states by the mere thought of how excited she was to hold Toni’s hand again when the other girl came back. They had yet to kiss again since the first time but they were not apprehensive around each other. They fell into a comfort.

Shelby was spending a quiet moment collecting firewood under the setting sun when she heard a scream that was unmistakingly the booming voice of Dot. 

“Fuck, oh god fuck. HELP.”

Shelby quickly dropped what she was holding and turned around so hard she almost had whiplash. In the distance she saw Dot and the next three things she saw next were enough to have her sprinting in seconds. 1) Blood, and lots of it, 2) Toni, 3) A Toni that was sobbing in pain.

Shelby was the first to get to the scene, closely followed by the other six girls who all gathered around Shelby as she slid onto the sand next to a sobbing Toni. Right when they made contact, even with Toni’s eyes shut in pain, she recognized Shelby’s touch and reached her shaking arms out in a desperate and almost childish gesture. Shelby immediately took Toni into her arms and the feeling of the shorter girl sobbing against her chest with her head tucked into her neck was enough to have Shelby nearly start to cry, but she willed herself not to. 

“I don't know what happened, I just looked over and she had fallen and now she's bleeding all over.” Dot nervously chartered away as Rachel placed the black bag near them and reached in to grab the gauze. 

At the site of what would relieve the girl she loved from this immense pain, Shelby slowly let go of Toni to reach and grab the gauze. She didn’t make it far though. She was met by Toni tightening her arms around Shelby's neck and whining in pain, hiding her face further in Shelby’s choppily cut hair.

“Shelby I think she wants you to stay like that.” Martha said, concern full in her voice.

Shelby nodded and held Toni as close as was possible and whispered comforting words to her while Dot worked to wrap Toni’s bleeding leg.

“Toni it’s okay. It’s okay just keep breathing, it’s okay.” 

Shelby kept repeating these words over and over, however it failed to calm the sobbing Toni when Dot used an alcohol pad to disinfect her cut. The burning was unbearable and Shelby started choking back sobs at the site of Toni in so much pain.

“Toni, focus on me.” Shelby grabbed Toni’s face with both her hands and pressed their foreheads together, brushing her thumb against Toni’s face to wipe away the tears.

“It’s okay baby, you’re okay.”

When Toni heard Shelby call her baby her body immediately began to relax and feeling this, Shelby continued to use the affectionate name over and over while she continued to hold Toni’s face close to hers. 

Shortly after; Dot had given Toni a sedative from the black bag to give the girl some rest. As night fell and the girls slowly fell asleep, Shelby stayed awake with a sleeping Toni wrapped in her arms. Toni’s weight pressed against Shelby’s chest helped ground Shelby and fight off the immense concern she felt for the girl in her arms. 

Shelby couldn’t deny that she was scared. 

For once it wasn’t a fear that stemmed from shame, or guilt, but from love. And so they slept.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this is good :)

Toni was familiar with nightmares. Whenever they came to her they’d be stubborn and persistent, she could rarely find relief from them on most days. While most people’s dreams are nonsensical and irrational, Toni’s always felt too real for comfort.

Her first nightmare happened when she was just 5 and spending her first night alone in a foster home. It was cold and the blanket she was given felt more like a towel and hardly covered her little, shaking body. The nightmare was no more than a flash of her mother walking away, but it was enough to shake her enough to cause the girl some serious sleeping problems in the future.

She used to have to face the nightmares alone in the dead of night without any comfort; fated to spend the next couple of hours until dawn crying softly by herself. Then she had Reagan. She can’t think about Reagan too much or it will hurt worse than her nightmares. But for a while she had a steady girl in her life who would rub her back and soothe her without fail. Sometimes, when things got very dark for her, she’d wish she had never met Reagan in the first place so she didn’t have to suffer the pain of losing her. Deep down though, Toni felt as if she deserved that pain.

This nightmare that she was currently having wasn’t helped by the gash on her leg that unbeknownst to her and the rest of the girls, was currently undergoing a serious infection. This nightmare was slightly different than the rest she’d have before. This time, it featured a certain bubbly blond.

In the dream she and Shelby were kissing softly, and for a second Toni relaxed into the arms that held her. However, the scene was followed bitterly.

“I really pity you Toni.”

The sound of Shelby’s voice snapped Toni away from the dream-kiss, and her head was swimming with a mixture of devotion and confusion.

“Wh-what? What d’you mean bee?”

“You’re just going to hurt me. There’s no point in trying to pretend you won’t because that’s always what you do isn’t it ?” Shelby spat these words out with a venom so unlike her that Toni stumbled backwards.

Nightmares like these made sense. Toni had never known the comfort of love until she met Reagan and that same Reagan who promised her forever, who promised her love and forgiveness; had left. It was all because Toni had hurt her. Even in her sleep the thoughts and feelings that accompanied that hurt were enough to deeply upset Toni. There wasn’t a day that went by where she didn’t think about the feeling of warmth in her chest she got from Reagan, and not a day where she didn’t recognize that Reagan taught her how to love. 

The days following that break up felt like nightmares regardless of her waking state. Toni walked the halls defeated and gutted. She lashed out, she hit people, she hurt more people, she lost control. She hadn’t told Martha this but close to their departure for the Dawn of Eve retreat (what a joke that is now, she’d think) her suspension turned into permanent removal from the basketball team. 

When Toni was upset most of her rage was untargeted; she had lost too many people and had so little left that targeting her anger felt a bit pointless. So when some random girl bumped into her in the hall after she had been kicked off the team, she didn’t bother looking up to see who it was because no part of her cared. Her fist moved before her brain could think and made harsh contact with this person’s nose. Toni heard a thud and knew she’d made another mistake by hurting another person, but at this point it was too late. 

Closing her eyes and preparing to look at the face of the person she’d blindly hurt was a ritual she had. She’d make sure she remembered the face; not for some cynical purpose but to remind herself of the people she had hurt so when she was well enough to regret it; she could make it personal enough that she had a punishment worth the pain she caused. Before she could open her eyes however, she felt a shove and a familiar angry voice,

“What the actual FUCK Toni? Are you fucking insane?”

Toni didn’t have to lift her head to know that Reagan was standing over her, shielding the other girl from her. In the month after their breakup Reagan hadn’t come to school, so for a brief moment; looking into Reagan’s eyes all that Toni could feel was undeniable and overwhelming joy. How she missed those warm eyes and the curve of her jaw; just glancing at Reagan’s lips she felt her brain dizzy and her heart leap. This wasn’t reality though.

“Listen Toni I understand you may be mad but you don’t have to be so violent about it, fuck you could’ve talked to me.”

Toni was massively confused by this, and just as she was about to speak to explain that, no, she didn’t just hit this random girl on purpose because of a certain reason, she hit this random girl on purpose for a random reason. However, Reagan was quick to cut her off,  
“Just because you might’ve heard a couple of rumours doesn’t mean you have to fucking attack my girlfriend like this. Jesus fucking christ Toni I thought you’d be a bit more decent about all of-”

Reagan kept lecturing, but Toni was no longer listening. Because no, Toni hadn’t been aware that the girl she had attacked was Reagan’s girlfriend, how could she know when she hadn’t even known Reagan had a girlfriend? 

Her head was spinning and she felt an unimaginable amount of pain rush through her. Toni felt as if she was being torn apart bit by bit and that every part of her body that Reagan had touched was rotting away, leaving her with nothing left. 

Toni woke up to discover she wasn’t in the horrific moment with Shelby that she dreamed of and was relieved to see that she also wasn’t reliving undoubtedly the worst moment of her life to date.

Toni slowly pried her eyes open to see the glow of the fire from behind her illuminating the blond wisps of hair that were glued to the forehead of the beautiful girl sleeping peacefully next to her. As she took in her surroundings, Toni noticed how gently and yet protectively Shelby was holding her. She also realized that Shelby had taken off her sweater and it was instead draped over Toni’s shoulders as a blanket. The taller girl had goosebumps on her shoulders from being so cold. Shelby’s hand was under Toni’s shirt resting on the small of her back while her other arm was snaked under Toni’s head and held her gently to Shelby’s chest.

Toni inhaled sharply and felt a stabbing pain of guilt in her chest at this sight. Toni had spent her whole life with almost no one taking care of her and she didn’t intend for that to start happening now.

Shelby Goodkind was exactly what her name suggested; she was undeniably good. Toni knew this from the minute she first met Shelby when she placed her hands on her shoulders and guided her through the plan to another seat. Truth be told, Shelby had first caught her eye in the airport when she spotted her radiant smile from a couple seats back. The minute she had laid eyes on Shelby, Toni was filled with a warmth that both comforted her and scared her incredibly. On the first day here when she had gone for a water run with Shelby, Toni couldn’t help but feel the anxiety build up in her chest as she felt how charmed she was by the endearing and optimistic blond that led them through the forest. This feeling of undeniable comfort around someone was so frightening, she had opted to hurt Shelby instead of feel it. Hence, the branch. Without meaning to, Toni had developed somewhat of a crush on Shelby; which was dangerous territory. Still, as rough as she was with the other girl, Shelby was always willing to pay her kindness back. Again, this scared Toni.

Looking at the peaceful resting face of Shelby by the fire Toni began to feel the dull but painful throbbing in her leg and recognized it as a physical sign of the gut wrenching guilt she felt inside of her. Shelby was too good for her, too pure to hurt. Toni couldn’t accept that she wouldn’t hurt Shelby and some point and if she did, god she would never forgive herself. Just like Reagan.

So Toni did what she knew how to do best, she ran away. Placing Shelby’s sweater over her and packing a couple of water cans she limped her way away from camp. As she walked through the cold, dead of night what she meant to be a solitary trip turned into a confusing maze of branches and terrain. Toni found herself lost in the woods, alone. This confrontation with immense physical danger however, wasn’t nearly as scary as the thought of her letting herself love Shelby Goodkind. 

Shelby, for the first time since crash landing on this godforsaken island, had a full night's rest. She had gone to sleep with an exhausted and mumbling Toni snuggling into her side and was content to know that the girl she was slowly learning to love was right beside her, hopefully loving her back. 

She awoke to the sun breaking through the trees and landing on her face as well as to the sounds of the girls mumbling above her. She slowly opened her eyes and reached beside her to pull Toni closer, she knew Toni was a slow waker and was thinking maybe after yesterday's incidents she could get a kiss on the check from the girl. Instead she felt Fatin’s hand reaching down to her to move the hair out of her face.

“Morning! Wow I’ve slept late, why didn’t y'all wake me?” Shelby had asked in her usually perky voice.

The girls surrounded her with nothing but concerned expressions, all sharing glances at each other. Shelby slowly allowed herself to realize that one girl was missing. Before she could open her mouth to ask, Leah had spoken,

“We don’t know where she went. Shelby we’re so sorry.”

Shelby, finally ready to give herself to the girl who had shown her how gentle love could be, felt nothing but dread.


End file.
